Child of divorce asked to be spared from parental conflict

 

In this post I shall share about another child's expression of her inner emotional needs while caught in between an acrimonious conflict between her divorced parents. Linda (not her real name) was 9 years old then and was presented for sandplay therapy due to frequent angry outbursts and violent tantrums. Her parents had fought fiercely over her custody and the girl had witnessed numerous occasions when the police had to be called to resolve their conflict. Sad to say the parents only agreed between themselves to bring her for therapy twice.

A feisty girl, Linda needed much convincing before agreeing to enter the therapy room. Once inside and having familiarised herself with the surrounding, she spent quite a fair bit of time touching and moving the sand in the sand tray. Sand has a tactile texture that sooths the senses and helps one to connect with inner self.  During the first session, Linda spent quite a fair bit of time feeling the sand, shifting it, building mounds and burying her hands beneath the sand. She was not interested in picking any symbols or figurines from the shelves to place in the sand tray.  It seemed to me she found comfort just feeling the sand. 

The little time left for the first session, I tried symbol work. I interested Linda in discovering the smaller dolls inside a big Russian doll. I then suggested she place the dolls in the sand tray with the bigger ones around the smallest to protect her. Linda objected to my suggestion and said the small doll just wanted to be left alone. She wanted the other dolls to be very very  far away from the little one.

The second session took place about three weeks later. After displaying her show of reluctance she started to engage the sand as per the first session. With some encouragement she began to select symbols to place in the sand tray. Once she got the momentum it became quite a spontaneous play, soon cluttering the tray. The theme of her sand story was about a battle between beasts and crawlies on one side against human soldiers on another. A place of shelter was also constructed at the top left corner of the tray using a small mat of artificial grass where she placed ambulances, police vehicles and a fighter jet. Strangely enough she also picked a little chicken wearing a pair of sunglass. When asked whether she could find herself in the story, Linda said she hated the crawlies because they crawled under the sand and attacked secretly. She then said she was actually the chicken with the sun glasses.

A taxi raced towards the shelter dodging all the cross fires between the two sides crying "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me". The story ended with total carnage where every living thing perished except a lone soldier who managed to catch a cab that took him to the shelter. He then took a fighter jet which flew out of the tray and landed in another sand tray.

My intuitive response includes the following. Crawlies that attacked from beneath the sand could be an expression of a fight (between parents probably) that could erupt anytime unexpectedly. The scene of total carnage spoke of Linda's despair. The chicken with sun glasses which represented her could well be her desire to shield her eyes from what she was seeing. The taxi that sped across the battle field begging to be excused from the conflict and the lone survivor flying into another world were her longing to be spared and to leave the world of her parents conflict into a new world where there is peace.

The Sandplay sessions gave Linda a chance to reconstruct negative experiences from a physically and emotionally distanced perspective. She had spoken loud and clear. She just wanted to be left alone to have some peace.

Child of Divorced Parents- Acceptance and Catharsis

 

Rachel, a emotionally disturbed 8 year old girl was presented for sandplay therapy when her parents were undergoing divorce. (To know about her background please see archive on previous blogs). In this final blog about her case, I shall discuss how the change in themes of her sand stories reflects catharsis and her apparent acceptance of living in 2 households.

Earlier on I mentioned about a meeting that my colleague and I had with Rachel's parents where I provided feedback on what seemed to be her worries as reflected in the repeated theme of her sandplay stories. It could be seen that both parents loved their child and were ready to do their part to ease their daughter's emotional distress. They probably played some part in addressing their daughter's concerns and the sandplay sessions could also have provided some catharsis. Rachel's last two sandplay sessions reflected story themes about taking control and nurturing. All in, the seven sandplay sessions stretched over a period of 7 months. 

After that there was a break. Rachel's mother cited being very busy or perhaps she found her daughter to be more stable  A follow up session took place 5 months later. By this time as I understood from Rachel her mother has a new relationship with a divorcee who has his own children. The two families including the children seem to get along quite well.

At the sandplay session after the long break, ie. the 8th session, Rachel's sandplay story took a dramatic turn from her previous stories. It was about discovery of a new world with abundant growth and a new life.  In the sand-story a mother left a cave with her 2 newborn babies to look for a 'new world'. They found one with lots of plants and animals. There was lots of sunshine and rain in that world. There she built her home and watched the beautiful sunset every day. In the story three years passed and a male stranger came and got permission to stay with them. The man helped to look after the children and  he and the mother of the two babies soon got married. Rachel ended her story with "everybody gets what they want".

Whereas the initial sessions have themes of uncertainty, insecurity and challenges, this session has all the symbols of growth, new beginnings and acceptance. Rachel's remarks that after three years the babies 'have grown' showed perhaps her own emotional progress.

This session can be deemed as the last although I did see Rachel 2 more times three to six months apart which her mother thought would be good as a gauge of her emotional well being. These final sessions reflect her feelings and concerns about living with a new family whilst hanging on to her memories and longing of the old days before the divorce when the family was living with her natural dad. 

Not many children respond to sandplay therapy as spontaneously as Rachel although most are able to reveal inner concerns in the repeated themes of their sand story. 

As per Plato (Greek philosopher 427-347 BC): "You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation."

Child of Divorce Parents- Taking Control

 

In this post I continue to trace Rachel's progress during sandplay therapy as she moved to explore deeper issues. In earlier posts (see archive) I shared about the preoccupations of this 8 year old girl who was caught in the emotional turmoil of her parents' divorce. 

By the fifth session, symbols chosen included skeletons . Meanwhile she never failed to select pots and jars to hold water and food (symbols of resources and nurturing). The treasure chest which held hope and answers again appeared in her story.

In this fifth sand-story a box surrounded with danger signs was found holding the skeletons of the father in the story. In the treasure chest placed near by, Rachel filled with stones which she said were eggs. The story was again about a mother and 2 daughters, this time running a farm. Visitors who could open the skeleton box without screaming will be awarded with eggs from the treasure chest. No one succeeded in opening the box. According to Rachel's story the 2 daughters were unaware of the content in the box. They uncovered the box and screamed. The mother told them the skeletons were fake. 

I feel that Rachel was expressing fears of losing her father and yet recognising that if she could accept the loss she could move on (eggs as in growth). In an earlier session while putting the figures in the sand tray she had muttered to herself "I don't need a father". The fact that the mother and daughters were running a farm in the story held promise to growth and a new life.

Meanwhile in a separate session with the parents, together with another colleague, I had given some feedback about the repeated themes in Rachel's sandplay and encouraged them to reinforce their assurance of love for her and that she would still have access to her father. 

By the sixth and seventh sandplay sessions, Rachel's sand-stories no longer featured a mother and 2 daughters. Instead it was more about a little girl's adventures. One was about the girl finding the magic plant when eaten gave her the wisdom to outwit a hulk. Interestingly enough Rachel's seventh sand-story was about a girl and her encounter with a giant. The girl pitched a tent and set up 'no entry' signs which barred a giant from entering while she was out to fetch some medication. 

I feel in both these stories, what was taking place in Rachel was setting some emotional boundaries for herself against the significant figures in her life (represented by huge figurines). They also seemed to represent her journey to take control to 'outsmart' them.

In my next post I shall discuss how subsequent sandplay sessions reveal how Rachel seemed to have accepted the new situations in her life.