Child of Divorced Parents- Fears and Responsibiities

 

In my previous blog I discussed in brief the repeated theme of dangerous journeys in Rachel's sandplay stories during therapy. Rachel was presented for sandplay therapy as her parents were undergoing divorce proceedings. (Refer to archive for background). In this blog I shall discuss the dark issues which started to surface from the recesses of the child's mind. This usually comes about after a few sessions when the child subconsciously feels it safe to explore. Catharsis takes place when these issues are projected onto a sand story. The problem will seem less intimidating when viewed at a distance.

During the fourth sandplay session, Rachel picked all the sharks (toy figures) available on the shelf and created a sea filled with sea animals including a giant octopus and crawlies, all of which she described as dangerous. She also picked flags which served as "warnings against booby traps". In addition she selected a treasure chest and filled it with marbles. She then buried it deep in the sand on one side of the sea which was the bottom of the blue tray.

In the story which she played out on the sand tray, the family consisting of a mother and 2 daughters ( a literal representation of her own family composition ) were crossing a sea infested with "poisonous sea animals" to look for a treasure chest. In the story the younger daughter was bitten and the mother knocked unconscious by a turtle. The older daughter came to the mother's rescue but the younger girl died from the poisonous bite and the older girl buried her sister. The mother and daughter found the treasure chest.

While playing out the burying scene, Rachel's face was tense. She remarked that it was a difficult  task which took three days but  had to be done. When completed  she abruptly ended the story with the treasure chest being found. "End of story" she snapped.

In the child's mind the journey which the family was embarking was filled with danger where members could be hurt. She was also taking on a protective role which is common among children of divorced parents. They often believe it is their responsibility to relieve their parents' emotional distress. In my earlier blog I have also shared about the child's incessant worries about the father's well being.

The burying of the little sister in the story could either be some inner fears Rachel had concerning her own younger sister or could also represent some aspect of herself which she wanted to bury like an old belief or attitude. This could signal a transition or transformation symbolised by the finding of the  treasure chest which held the gems they had been searching for.

I will continue to discuss in subsequent blogs how the child's processed the divorce emotionally.

Divorce- A Dangerous Journey In a Child's Mind

 

In my previous blog I shared a story about Rachel a 8 year old girl who came for sandplay therapy as she was having nightmare and was sleep walking. Her parents were undergoing divorce.

In this blog I shall share my perception of how her mind processed her parents' divorce through the stories she played out in the sandtray at subsequent sessions. Reading the previous blog "A Child of Divorced Parents Worries" will help in understanding this blog.

The repeated themes of her stories at the sessions were:

• On the move and finding a new place
• Worry over whether there is enough food and water
• Need for lamps to light up the journey and the new house
• Danger and threats during the journey

Although sandplay therapists are not supposed to interpret the symbols and sand pictures of the clients, the recurrent themes that emerge over and over again do indicate the preoccupation of the clients' conscious and subconscious mind. 

The sand story at the second session just like the first is about a family moving to a far away place without the father. Like the father in the first story a small boat is provided for him to come along. Intuitively I feel Rachel was harbouring hopes for her father to reunite with the family. By the third sandplay session, 2 houses separated by the ocean were displayed in the sand tray. Rachel had probably accepted the fact that she had 2 homes. The ocean could represent the big gulf or a big cross over if you may.

It is no coincidence that a little oil lamp is often selected by child clients who are feeling anxious about their life circumstances. Rachel's characters in her stories never failed to pack the oil lamp when on the move. Once I quietly asked why a lamp was brought along to which she replied it was needed as it was dark camping out . On another occasion she said the new house needed to be lighted up. Children are usually fearful of the dark and this fear was evident in Rachel's mind due to the changing situation in the original family. In addition the little girl in the stories  tried to bring as many items as possible from the original home. In her words "Everything has to be brought along except for the house, of course you can't bring the house". These words are touching. She needed to make sure things currently in her life will continue to be there for her. At the same time she resigned to the fact that the original home would no longer be the same. In fact she even remarked "It will become a haunted house".

Worry over the lack of food and water continued to be a prominent theme in the first 4 sandplay sessions. Usually, water and food are symbols of care and nurture in our subconscious mind. It is quite evident that Rachel was feeling insecure and needed assurance that her parent's love for her remained intact.

A journey fraught with danger and uncertainties, a journey that crosses a big ocean or a sea infested with poisonous sea animals (as per the 4th sand story) were repeated themes. 

By the fourth and fifth sandplay sessions the stories have turned darker including skeletons and deaths. It is common in sandplay therapy that deeper issues start to surface only after a few sessions. I shall discuss this in the next blog.

Child of Divorced Parents worries

 

                               

The 8 year old girl told a story. This is the broad synopsis:

Two girls and their mummy together with little brother are preparing to visit grandpa who is ill. They will go in a boat along the river. Daddy remains at home to ensure everything will run smoothly despite himself being very ill. Mummy has prepared another smaller boat for him in case he decides to come along. When mummy and the children are leaving, daddy is too sick to give their boat a push. Hence mummy has to steer and row off instead.

The scene and props behind the story were carefully enacted before the story was told. This 8 year old girl whom I shall call Rachel had come for a Sandplay therapy session. She was caught in the emotional conflict of her parents who were undergoing divorce. Rachel had selected from among shelves of symbols and small figurines, items that would form the backdrop of her story. For the first half hour, she looked serious and absorbed, quietly selecting and placing the symbols in the sandtray. Apart from the family figurines, she also picked a considerable number of water containers in various forms like jars, vases and pots.

The story seemed to develop instinctively from the recesses that harboured the emotions, thoughts and beliefs in both her conscious and unconscious mind.

“Is there a story?” I asked softly after she appeared satisfied with the display in the sandtray, and the story unfolded, words that unleashed like a river from her inner self.

The underlying anxiety expressed throughout the story was worry over the father’s well being and the preservation of the matrimonial home. Daddy in the story is unable to join the family as he remains to make sure nothing will be blown away by the strong winds. Water is contaminated and severely lacking. Clean water has to be fetched from very far away. Every one has to help fill all the containers to ensure daddy has sufficient clean water.

Despite being very ill daddy in the story has a big responsibility ahead to make sure every item at home will be in good condition. In fact as the story progressed Rachel introduced more items into the sandtray each representing something to worry about and which daddy has to attend to. This was done  in quick succession like an outpouring. The plants have to be watered, animals fed, fridge stored with food, furniture properly cleaned. It even extends to making sure sea shells are not blown away and candles have to be kept burning.

When asked about how the family in the story feel about leaving daddy behind the Rachel said they feel sad. When asked what would happen if the daddy character doesn't carry out all the duties her reply was “Then there will be no more food, no more things and no more house.”

In actual circumstances Rachel’s mother had moved out of their matrimonial home together with her two daughters to live with her own father while the divorce proceedings was ongoing. She had sought sandplay therapy for Rachel who was beginning to sleep walk on top of having nightmares.

My interpretation of her sand tray story is as follows.

The overwhelming theme of Rachel’s sandtray story seems to be the dire need to protect the original home and worries over her father’s well being. The story is laden with endless anxieties.

Thirst and the lack of water is a big thing. Water is often a symbol for nourishment and the presence of water represents healing. The fact that water is contaminated and severely lacking implies a desperate need for healing for herself and the family.

Daddy is portrayed as very ill and yet has to ensure nothing at home is blown away by strong winds. One wonders what is the girl's perception of daddy’s grave illness? In her mind he is no longer his normal healthy self. Has daddy been perceived as behaving irrationally or has mummy implied that he is ill? Whatever it is daddy seems to hold the key to ensuring the ‘house’ (the matrimonial home) remains intact and the "candles kept burning".