Child of divorce asked to be spared from parental conflict

 

In this post I shall share about another child's expression of her inner emotional needs while caught in between an acrimonious conflict between her divorced parents. Linda (not her real name) was 9 years old then and was presented for sandplay therapy due to frequent angry outbursts and violent tantrums. Her parents had fought fiercely over her custody and the girl had witnessed numerous occasions when the police had to be called to resolve their conflict. Sad to say the parents only agreed between themselves to bring her for therapy twice.

A feisty girl, Linda needed much convincing before agreeing to enter the therapy room. Once inside and having familiarised herself with the surrounding, she spent quite a fair bit of time touching and moving the sand in the sand tray. Sand has a tactile texture that sooths the senses and helps one to connect with inner self.  During the first session, Linda spent quite a fair bit of time feeling the sand, shifting it, building mounds and burying her hands beneath the sand. She was not interested in picking any symbols or figurines from the shelves to place in the sand tray.  It seemed to me she found comfort just feeling the sand. 

The little time left for the first session, I tried symbol work. I interested Linda in discovering the smaller dolls inside a big Russian doll. I then suggested she place the dolls in the sand tray with the bigger ones around the smallest to protect her. Linda objected to my suggestion and said the small doll just wanted to be left alone. She wanted the other dolls to be very very  far away from the little one.

The second session took place about three weeks later. After displaying her show of reluctance she started to engage the sand as per the first session. With some encouragement she began to select symbols to place in the sand tray. Once she got the momentum it became quite a spontaneous play, soon cluttering the tray. The theme of her sand story was about a battle between beasts and crawlies on one side against human soldiers on another. A place of shelter was also constructed at the top left corner of the tray using a small mat of artificial grass where she placed ambulances, police vehicles and a fighter jet. Strangely enough she also picked a little chicken wearing a pair of sunglass. When asked whether she could find herself in the story, Linda said she hated the crawlies because they crawled under the sand and attacked secretly. She then said she was actually the chicken with the sun glasses.

A taxi raced towards the shelter dodging all the cross fires between the two sides crying "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me". The story ended with total carnage where every living thing perished except a lone soldier who managed to catch a cab that took him to the shelter. He then took a fighter jet which flew out of the tray and landed in another sand tray.

My intuitive response includes the following. Crawlies that attacked from beneath the sand could be an expression of a fight (between parents probably) that could erupt anytime unexpectedly. The scene of total carnage spoke of Linda's despair. The chicken with sun glasses which represented her could well be her desire to shield her eyes from what she was seeing. The taxi that sped across the battle field begging to be excused from the conflict and the lone survivor flying into another world were her longing to be spared and to leave the world of her parents conflict into a new world where there is peace.

The Sandplay sessions gave Linda a chance to reconstruct negative experiences from a physically and emotionally distanced perspective. She had spoken loud and clear. She just wanted to be left alone to have some peace.

Child of Divorced Parents- Acceptance and Catharsis

 

Rachel, a emotionally disturbed 8 year old girl was presented for sandplay therapy when her parents were undergoing divorce. (To know about her background please see archive on previous blogs). In this final blog about her case, I shall discuss how the change in themes of her sand stories reflects catharsis and her apparent acceptance of living in 2 households.

Earlier on I mentioned about a meeting that my colleague and I had with Rachel's parents where I provided feedback on what seemed to be her worries as reflected in the repeated theme of her sandplay stories. It could be seen that both parents loved their child and were ready to do their part to ease their daughter's emotional distress. They probably played some part in addressing their daughter's concerns and the sandplay sessions could also have provided some catharsis. Rachel's last two sandplay sessions reflected story themes about taking control and nurturing. All in, the seven sandplay sessions stretched over a period of 7 months. 

After that there was a break. Rachel's mother cited being very busy or perhaps she found her daughter to be more stable  A follow up session took place 5 months later. By this time as I understood from Rachel her mother has a new relationship with a divorcee who has his own children. The two families including the children seem to get along quite well.

At the sandplay session after the long break, ie. the 8th session, Rachel's sandplay story took a dramatic turn from her previous stories. It was about discovery of a new world with abundant growth and a new life.  In the sand-story a mother left a cave with her 2 newborn babies to look for a 'new world'. They found one with lots of plants and animals. There was lots of sunshine and rain in that world. There she built her home and watched the beautiful sunset every day. In the story three years passed and a male stranger came and got permission to stay with them. The man helped to look after the children and  he and the mother of the two babies soon got married. Rachel ended her story with "everybody gets what they want".

Whereas the initial sessions have themes of uncertainty, insecurity and challenges, this session has all the symbols of growth, new beginnings and acceptance. Rachel's remarks that after three years the babies 'have grown' showed perhaps her own emotional progress.

This session can be deemed as the last although I did see Rachel 2 more times three to six months apart which her mother thought would be good as a gauge of her emotional well being. These final sessions reflect her feelings and concerns about living with a new family whilst hanging on to her memories and longing of the old days before the divorce when the family was living with her natural dad. 

Not many children respond to sandplay therapy as spontaneously as Rachel although most are able to reveal inner concerns in the repeated themes of their sand story. 

As per Plato (Greek philosopher 427-347 BC): "You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation."

Child of Divorce Parents- Taking Control

 

In this post I continue to trace Rachel's progress during sandplay therapy as she moved to explore deeper issues. In earlier posts (see archive) I shared about the preoccupations of this 8 year old girl who was caught in the emotional turmoil of her parents' divorce. 

By the fifth session, symbols chosen included skeletons . Meanwhile she never failed to select pots and jars to hold water and food (symbols of resources and nurturing). The treasure chest which held hope and answers again appeared in her story.

In this fifth sand-story a box surrounded with danger signs was found holding the skeletons of the father in the story. In the treasure chest placed near by, Rachel filled with stones which she said were eggs. The story was again about a mother and 2 daughters, this time running a farm. Visitors who could open the skeleton box without screaming will be awarded with eggs from the treasure chest. No one succeeded in opening the box. According to Rachel's story the 2 daughters were unaware of the content in the box. They uncovered the box and screamed. The mother told them the skeletons were fake. 

I feel that Rachel was expressing fears of losing her father and yet recognising that if she could accept the loss she could move on (eggs as in growth). In an earlier session while putting the figures in the sand tray she had muttered to herself "I don't need a father". The fact that the mother and daughters were running a farm in the story held promise to growth and a new life.

Meanwhile in a separate session with the parents, together with another colleague, I had given some feedback about the repeated themes in Rachel's sandplay and encouraged them to reinforce their assurance of love for her and that she would still have access to her father. 

By the sixth and seventh sandplay sessions, Rachel's sand-stories no longer featured a mother and 2 daughters. Instead it was more about a little girl's adventures. One was about the girl finding the magic plant when eaten gave her the wisdom to outwit a hulk. Interestingly enough Rachel's seventh sand-story was about a girl and her encounter with a giant. The girl pitched a tent and set up 'no entry' signs which barred a giant from entering while she was out to fetch some medication. 

I feel in both these stories, what was taking place in Rachel was setting some emotional boundaries for herself against the significant figures in her life (represented by huge figurines). They also seemed to represent her journey to take control to 'outsmart' them.

In my next post I shall discuss how subsequent sandplay sessions reveal how Rachel seemed to have accepted the new situations in her life.

Child of Divorced Parents- Fears and Responsibiities

 

In my previous blog I discussed in brief the repeated theme of dangerous journeys in Rachel's sandplay stories during therapy. Rachel was presented for sandplay therapy as her parents were undergoing divorce proceedings. (Refer to archive for background). In this blog I shall discuss the dark issues which started to surface from the recesses of the child's mind. This usually comes about after a few sessions when the child subconsciously feels it safe to explore. Catharsis takes place when these issues are projected onto a sand story. The problem will seem less intimidating when viewed at a distance.

During the fourth sandplay session, Rachel picked all the sharks (toy figures) available on the shelf and created a sea filled with sea animals including a giant octopus and crawlies, all of which she described as dangerous. She also picked flags which served as "warnings against booby traps". In addition she selected a treasure chest and filled it with marbles. She then buried it deep in the sand on one side of the sea which was the bottom of the blue tray.

In the story which she played out on the sand tray, the family consisting of a mother and 2 daughters ( a literal representation of her own family composition ) were crossing a sea infested with "poisonous sea animals" to look for a treasure chest. In the story the younger daughter was bitten and the mother knocked unconscious by a turtle. The older daughter came to the mother's rescue but the younger girl died from the poisonous bite and the older girl buried her sister. The mother and daughter found the treasure chest.

While playing out the burying scene, Rachel's face was tense. She remarked that it was a difficult  task which took three days but  had to be done. When completed  she abruptly ended the story with the treasure chest being found. "End of story" she snapped.

In the child's mind the journey which the family was embarking was filled with danger where members could be hurt. She was also taking on a protective role which is common among children of divorced parents. They often believe it is their responsibility to relieve their parents' emotional distress. In my earlier blog I have also shared about the child's incessant worries about the father's well being.

The burying of the little sister in the story could either be some inner fears Rachel had concerning her own younger sister or could also represent some aspect of herself which she wanted to bury like an old belief or attitude. This could signal a transition or transformation symbolised by the finding of the  treasure chest which held the gems they had been searching for.

I will continue to discuss in subsequent blogs how the child's processed the divorce emotionally.

Divorce- A Dangerous Journey In a Child's Mind

 

In my previous blog I shared a story about Rachel a 8 year old girl who came for sandplay therapy as she was having nightmare and was sleep walking. Her parents were undergoing divorce.

In this blog I shall share my perception of how her mind processed her parents' divorce through the stories she played out in the sandtray at subsequent sessions. Reading the previous blog "A Child of Divorced Parents Worries" will help in understanding this blog.

The repeated themes of her stories at the sessions were:

• On the move and finding a new place
• Worry over whether there is enough food and water
• Need for lamps to light up the journey and the new house
• Danger and threats during the journey

Although sandplay therapists are not supposed to interpret the symbols and sand pictures of the clients, the recurrent themes that emerge over and over again do indicate the preoccupation of the clients' conscious and subconscious mind. 

The sand story at the second session just like the first is about a family moving to a far away place without the father. Like the father in the first story a small boat is provided for him to come along. Intuitively I feel Rachel was harbouring hopes for her father to reunite with the family. By the third sandplay session, 2 houses separated by the ocean were displayed in the sand tray. Rachel had probably accepted the fact that she had 2 homes. The ocean could represent the big gulf or a big cross over if you may.

It is no coincidence that a little oil lamp is often selected by child clients who are feeling anxious about their life circumstances. Rachel's characters in her stories never failed to pack the oil lamp when on the move. Once I quietly asked why a lamp was brought along to which she replied it was needed as it was dark camping out . On another occasion she said the new house needed to be lighted up. Children are usually fearful of the dark and this fear was evident in Rachel's mind due to the changing situation in the original family. In addition the little girl in the stories  tried to bring as many items as possible from the original home. In her words "Everything has to be brought along except for the house, of course you can't bring the house". These words are touching. She needed to make sure things currently in her life will continue to be there for her. At the same time she resigned to the fact that the original home would no longer be the same. In fact she even remarked "It will become a haunted house".

Worry over the lack of food and water continued to be a prominent theme in the first 4 sandplay sessions. Usually, water and food are symbols of care and nurture in our subconscious mind. It is quite evident that Rachel was feeling insecure and needed assurance that her parent's love for her remained intact.

A journey fraught with danger and uncertainties, a journey that crosses a big ocean or a sea infested with poisonous sea animals (as per the 4th sand story) were repeated themes. 

By the fourth and fifth sandplay sessions the stories have turned darker including skeletons and deaths. It is common in sandplay therapy that deeper issues start to surface only after a few sessions. I shall discuss this in the next blog.

Child of Divorced Parents worries

 

                               

The 8 year old girl told a story. This is the broad synopsis:

Two girls and their mummy together with little brother are preparing to visit grandpa who is ill. They will go in a boat along the river. Daddy remains at home to ensure everything will run smoothly despite himself being very ill. Mummy has prepared another smaller boat for him in case he decides to come along. When mummy and the children are leaving, daddy is too sick to give their boat a push. Hence mummy has to steer and row off instead.

The scene and props behind the story were carefully enacted before the story was told. This 8 year old girl whom I shall call Rachel had come for a Sandplay therapy session. She was caught in the emotional conflict of her parents who were undergoing divorce. Rachel had selected from among shelves of symbols and small figurines, items that would form the backdrop of her story. For the first half hour, she looked serious and absorbed, quietly selecting and placing the symbols in the sandtray. Apart from the family figurines, she also picked a considerable number of water containers in various forms like jars, vases and pots.

The story seemed to develop instinctively from the recesses that harboured the emotions, thoughts and beliefs in both her conscious and unconscious mind.

“Is there a story?” I asked softly after she appeared satisfied with the display in the sandtray, and the story unfolded, words that unleashed like a river from her inner self.

The underlying anxiety expressed throughout the story was worry over the father’s well being and the preservation of the matrimonial home. Daddy in the story is unable to join the family as he remains to make sure nothing will be blown away by the strong winds. Water is contaminated and severely lacking. Clean water has to be fetched from very far away. Every one has to help fill all the containers to ensure daddy has sufficient clean water.

Despite being very ill daddy in the story has a big responsibility ahead to make sure every item at home will be in good condition. In fact as the story progressed Rachel introduced more items into the sandtray each representing something to worry about and which daddy has to attend to. This was done  in quick succession like an outpouring. The plants have to be watered, animals fed, fridge stored with food, furniture properly cleaned. It even extends to making sure sea shells are not blown away and candles have to be kept burning.

When asked about how the family in the story feel about leaving daddy behind the Rachel said they feel sad. When asked what would happen if the daddy character doesn't carry out all the duties her reply was “Then there will be no more food, no more things and no more house.”

In actual circumstances Rachel’s mother had moved out of their matrimonial home together with her two daughters to live with her own father while the divorce proceedings was ongoing. She had sought sandplay therapy for Rachel who was beginning to sleep walk on top of having nightmares.

My interpretation of her sand tray story is as follows.

The overwhelming theme of Rachel’s sandtray story seems to be the dire need to protect the original home and worries over her father’s well being. The story is laden with endless anxieties.

Thirst and the lack of water is a big thing. Water is often a symbol for nourishment and the presence of water represents healing. The fact that water is contaminated and severely lacking implies a desperate need for healing for herself and the family.

Daddy is portrayed as very ill and yet has to ensure nothing at home is blown away by strong winds. One wonders what is the girl's perception of daddy’s grave illness? In her mind he is no longer his normal healthy self. Has daddy been perceived as behaving irrationally or has mummy implied that he is ill? Whatever it is daddy seems to hold the key to ensuring the ‘house’ (the matrimonial home) remains intact and the "candles kept burning".

Find out What's in a Child's Mind through Sandplay

 

                                  

While adults are able to verbalise their personal problems, feelings and anxieties at counselling sessions; children often have difficulty putting these things into words. This is especially so in the face of trauma or loss.

Sandplay Therapy offers children a beautiful way for spontaneous expression and emotional relief with play being the child's natural language. Here the children are given the opportunity to play out feelings about what they have experienced, express their needs and gain perception of self.

In a sandplay session the children are encouraged to use miniature toys and figurines to create a sand picture or sand story in the sand tray. The therapist through complete acceptance of the child provides a safe and secured space for the child to surface inner issues which may be conscious or subconscious to them. Through the creation of a sand picture or sand story the child develops a sense of being in control which is essential for healthy emotional development.By playing out an experience or problem over and over again the child finds it less daunting and gains confidence to cope with it.

“Enter into children's play and you will find the place where their minds, hearts, and souls meet.”
– Virginia Axline, (Psychologist who pioneered play therapy)